I am the person I am today because of a broken heart.
I picture myself teetering on a seesaw. The seesaw is my blog. One side relates to keeping the blog semi-professional. The other is my personal life. I try to keep a balance. Never getting too personal. I feel like this post may be teetering a bit on the personal side. Maybe “a bit” is understated.
I came across a journal entry from a few years back. It’s the oddest feeling, but I just have the urge to share. Maybe this is me letting go. Maybe this is me freeing something within. Whatever it may be, I need to listen to my inner wisdom and share a piece of me with you.
written October 28th, 2009
“It seems surreal to look back at this time one year ago. The weather was changing and my heart was broken into so many pieces I never thought I would survive. As the leaves fell so did the tears. They came whenever and wherever they pleased. I remember looking down on my own body and I was unrecognizable to myself. Like I was watching a train wreck happen and had no control over it. But the truth is that it was never about the heart-break. Yes, the heartbreak pushed me over the edge, but it was the fact that I never dealt with myself. Never truly loved myself. Or allowed myself to know this so-called thing called “happiness”. But shit I had been avoiding myself since as long as I could remember. In long-term relationships since I was 15. Living with one guy, and using my next (ex)boyfriends truck to move my furniture out. I moved on like the wind and never looked back. The unhappiness would catch up to me, but to quite the scream of my soul, I would move on to the next one. I preoccupied my mind with working two jobs, going to school full-time, and endless number of serious back to back relationships. Changing my persona and life goals to align with the person that I was dating. And last fall, there I was, literally fallen apart with 11 years of unhappiness and running from myself, pouring out of my eyes. You must see the darkness, to ever see the light and become truly happy. And believe me, the darkness consumed me for months.
Heartbreak is one of the worst things a person can endure, but I would never take it back. I am the person I am today because of a broken heart. It led me to live the life I am now living. A life where I strive to be the best version of myself. A life where I am following MY dreams. A life in which I practice self love. And not to mention, this so-called “happiness” is my constant state.
Thank you for listening. If you need to share. Need to let go. Let go of any pain. Please share. No judgement here. xoxox.
My daily reminder…”love thyself on my left wrist… my girlfriend has it on her right wrist…